Tuesday, May 23, 2006

relationship math

Relationships are bank accounts. You make deposits and withdrawals and rack up a credit history with the love and treats and abuses and the multitude of logistical criteria that are the cash-in-hand of human interaction.

Lately, I've come to understand that this metaphor also includes a lot of foreign currency. Sometimes, you can exchange what you get at an agreeable rate. Sometimes, you can't. Sometimes, your currency's no good.

Over the past few weeks, I've had a crash course in this - the fact that sometimes, people around you just can't give you what you need. My realization of this began with the most major possible forced acceptance of the fact that I simply couldn't, for love or money or prayer or nagging or cajoling or pleading or grumbling, force somebody I care about to understand and meet my needs.

We all have a tremendously convoluted backstory. We're all trying. Love is a many-splendoured thing, but it sure ain't all you need.

I guess someone either meets your needs or they don't. And it's not their fault if they can't - really, it isn't.

I've come to realize that I've just got to accept the fact that they can't, and I can't, and it isn't anybody's fault. Mismatched needs are a fact. Like not being able to conjugate in Esperanto, or being allergic to Yellow #5. And to stop lying to myself that they can, and to be honest about the needs that I have to have met and not run around looking for shysterish ways to fill in the blanks.

'Cause I can't give everybody what they need, either, obviously. I try, but sometimes I fail. And I hope nobody begrudges me that too terribly deeply.

Oh - and to get to know myself a little better. 'Cause I'm so full of self-surprises, it bowls me right over.


vv said...

Yes, yes. Yes, and yes. It's so disappointing when someone can't give you what you need (and vice versa). It feels so unfair, but I guess you have to try to give yourself what you need. That's what I'm trying to do, anyway. And those things I can't give myself...well, I'll just have to ignore them right now, and focus on other things.

The Wizened Wizard said...

Relationships are like a pair of jeans...they may look great and make you feel secure, but if the fit isn't just right you are never going to be comfortable in them. Soul mates exist and when you find one, they will love you just for being you and complete you with a part that you never knew was missing. The thing to do is be the best person possible so your light will be seen by the "one" and believe.