Saturday, March 24, 2007

i'm only sleeping


What now?

What next?

How did I get here in the first place?

Sheesh.

I learned my lesson well, not to discuss work here. So I won't. All I know is that I've spent the last week with evil green faeries aplenty, and inappropriateness ad naeseum, and the spectre of my future getting more and more spectral by the moment.

I think we're going to Austin now. Hell, London's too cold anyway. All I know is that we're leaving soon...at least, I think it'll be soon. I hope it'll be soon. Honestly, I have no idea what's up. Everything's in flux. Everything's uncertain. We can't even pretend that we can count on anything but each other anymore, and we're both a bit of a mess.

Maybe mess is good. Wabi-sabi.

But maybe not.

I'm slipping into a hopelessness-born ennui as the subconscious part of myself that decides what to do next begins to tire of chasing its tail. I was going to work overseas in a humanitarian capacity - but wait, I sure can't do that - and I need to break free of this and find something to do that doesn't pour boiling oil over my dignity - but wait, I can't do that either - and I need to move myself physically to a place that doesn't continually suggest that what I'm doing with my life isn't detrimental to mind and body - but I'm stuck here until things sort themselves out...which they won't, as far as I can see...and so there you have it. Stuck, stuck, stuck. And getting fucking bitter about it, thankyouverymuch.

Meh.

No comments: