Thursday, November 01, 2007

all souls'


I was thinking a lot today. Musing. I was primarily doing this because there wasn't a whole lot more I could manage, curled up in a little hung-over ball with a bottle of Advil on the bed next to me and a pillow pulled over my head.

I was thinking about costumes. My costume. My mask.

Inside, I am now and have always been a quiet, withdrawn creature who finds it difficult to connect with people. Trust comes slowly if it comes at all.

Outside, I've cobbled together an open-arms gregariousness in order to make myself palatable to the world - a tapdancer-with-vaseline-on-her-teeth cheeriness that I've begun to roll my own eyes at. Of course the underlying self elbows her way in occasionally, evidencing herself in the startling effeciency of my relationship cutoffs and my moments of unflappable flightiness.

My inside bits have been winning. I've tucked deep down, seeing noone but my Bear outside of working hours. When he's working and I'm not, I seek out the most solitary of activities to fill the time - a twelve-mile hike; a chair in the corner of the library walled off by a pile of books; a nap.

I wonder if it's LA. I wonder if it's growing up. I wonder if it's being secure with my homelife. I wonder what it is.

At any rate, I'm wondering...does anybody out there (patient and stalwart Bear excepted) actually know and like me, and not just the me I've made?

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