Monday, January 28, 2008

oh, darn.

What a sock in the gut - to finally try to help after the longest time of deliberately not helping, only to have it blow up on me. I used to be impossible to breathe through my anxiety over this state of affairs; now, it's much easier, but I can't help wanting to make it all better. And I can't help wanting to get this part overwith so we can get the hell on to the next part of the journey.

We interrupt this program to bring you an important news flash: I can't help. Can't do shit. Can't even begin to think about how to do shit, and so the shit-doing that gets done is a little helpless and pretty flailing.

Sucks, sucks, sucks.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

the perils of barnes, the pitfalls of noble

Maybe this is just The Way It Is. This is my house, this is my body. This is my antisocial life. This is my role - to be the one who doesn't dream. To be the one who supports pies in the sky.

I saw a book today in the store. It was about learning to not be a perfectionist. It was about teaching female overachievers to let themselves be.

I looked at the book and realized - honestly, for the first time - that I am a pragmatist.

And I felt a loss. Strange. After all this time, I should have known.